Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
