I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This house was built for laser tag.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
