Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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