I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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