if you like me you must not know who I am
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
