I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
only you would photoshop your dick
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
