Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He is an equal opportunity slut.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
