And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
