Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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