umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
