I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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