the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
