I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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