im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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