I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
