we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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