Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
this is an emotional support booty call
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
