is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
