he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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