Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
