Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
