my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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