ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I currently don't understand fingers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
