how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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