It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
