he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
