I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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