gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
