you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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