Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
