I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just tell him i said nine months
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
