2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
