Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
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Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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