Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
