I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
