so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
