my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
