I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
