One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
