remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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