You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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