My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
