i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
