im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
