a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
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I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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