I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
