i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
