The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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