I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
