Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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