So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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