A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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