i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
