Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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