i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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