I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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