I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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