why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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