cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
