So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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