Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
