You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
